Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
