I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I could make wine with my vomit
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
