I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
