i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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