I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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