I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
