the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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