Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
