I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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