There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
