She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
