If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
