I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
