FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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