So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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