my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
