And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
