allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
