I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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