Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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