Banned from zoo.
Again?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
don't judge my taste in strippers
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
