I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
