she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
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I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
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I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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