Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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