I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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