My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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