I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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