im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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