You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
