The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
