Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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