god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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