So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
