he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
