Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
