Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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