I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
