I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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