There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
