i think my tv is drunk
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
