My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
