When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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