he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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