I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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