standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
