I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
