i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
