i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
