So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
are you so shy because you have an std?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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