did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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