I puked a lego.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
