You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
