last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
