phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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