I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
