Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
