I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
