I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
