I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I think i got beer on your cat.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
