I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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