3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
